May262012

Ezra Part 1: The Return of Anything Happening and Also the Israelites

Good news! After the small let down of Chronicles, the Bible is back and action packed! Stuff is happening again and things are going on! Let’s get down to it!

Now remember that the Israelites got thrown into exile again, but they went to Babylon this time instead of Egypt (they were not happy with their last stay in Cairo still). Enter Cyrus, the first king of the Persian empire, who God went down and riled him up a bit. In his tizzy, Cyrus issued out a decree, saying that he will return the Israelites to Jerusalem (and even gave some quick directions) to rebuild their big temple. Not shockingly, the Israelites were still quite disorganized with the whole process, so only three houses got a move on right away: The Houses of Judah, Benjamin, and the Levites with their jeans. Some others came after, and sadly we’re given a list of names again, but with a twist: There’s numbers here too! You really get to see how raunchy some of the main Israelites were (Senaah had 3630 sons!). We also learn how many slaves, singers, horses, and camels there were. Many Biblical authors were vague, but whoever wrote Ezra took really good notes.

Things weren’t all hunky-dory in Jerusalem though (Yeah, not much has changed). The locals weren’t exactly thrilled with all these Israelites, servants, vocalists, and various livestock suddenly showing up without so much as a call first. While the Israelites started building their temple, the locals were giving them the shifty eyes since they apparently didn’t get the requisite building licenses. For years, they hassled the Israelites, slowing down the progress of construction, which was already slow enough. Not only did they not have cranes and earth-movers back then, but every step of the way was a cause of celebration. When the foundation was laid, they went all out with shouting and crying and trumpets. While we have no archaeological basis to prove it, many believe this might have been the world’s first ribbon-cutting ceremony that used giant decorative scissors.

May232012

Chronicles 1 Part 2/Chronicles 2: Are We There Yet?

I have a bit of bad news. After only 12 episodes, the Bible runs into reruns. While many worried that it might have been cancelled before the story could be concluded, it managed to get pushed through with a minor hiatus. The good news is this: This all happened a few thousand years ago, so we get the complete series without the wait. The bad news is that the rest of Chronicles 1 and pretty much all of Chronicles 2 are near impossible to write in this fashion. It is a summary of what happens in the books of Samuel and Kings. We go back and revisit what happened with David and Saul, with some minor changes.

There’s quite a big argument among scholars as to why Chronicles was made. Some say it was filler to keep people reading, hoping something would happen until the next part, Ezra, was ready. Others believe the repeats were made to remind everybody where the story was at after many were put into a catatonic state from the genealogical lists of names that was nine chapters long.

But fear not! Chronicles is not better than Ezra! There’s actually some action, which is probably what you’re here for. There’s tons of goings on, and it gets us closer to Job, who you’ve probably heard of. He’s honestly quite depressing, but we’ll make the best of it!

If you feel unfulfilled, it’s totally understandable. If you want the true Chronicles experience, here’s a fun game: Copy the Bible Simplified’s versions of Samuel and Kings, paste it into a translator of some kind. Pick a random language and then translate it into yet another language, then back to English. There you have it! You’ll more or less have the jumbled Chronicles experience! Here’s one of my favorites, using Esperanto and Urdu!
Original: Solomon became known throughout the world for his wisdom and complete fairness in issuing out justice. One of his more well known judgements took place two women that came before him, each claiming to be the baby’s true mother. In what seemed at first like a total lapse in sanity, he orders the baby to be cut in half. One woman decides that she doesn’t want to claim responsibility if the baby is going to die, thus revealing her to be the true mother. Solomon then granted her full custody, thus ending the quickest family law case to date.
Translated to Esperanto to Urdu and Back: Solomon’s wisdom and justice that was issued to all known globally for justice. One of his most famous decisions of the two women who came before, each claimed to be a child’s real mother. In which a total lapse in judgment at first seemed like half the kids in order to cut. A woman decides that she will die if claimed responsibility for the child while the mother is so obviously true that they do not want to. Solomon, it has sole custody, the fastest over a family law case.

Good stuff.
May222012

Chronicles 1: A List of Villanous and Silly Names

Chronicle is quite the page turner. By that, I mean it is insanely boring and you keep turning the page to find out when the action starts. And by action, I mean “Really anything at all. Seriously. I’ll even read an ancient recipe at this point.” Sadly, even a recipe for unspiced fish would be a little too much for the author(s) of Chronicle. Unless you’re a huge fan of genealogy, the first part is a snoozer. However, there are some great names in this forever long list, especially if you are in need of an evil sounding moniker. Here are some of my favorites, along with some character suggestions:

  • Madai - Maybe he is out for ocular revenge
  • Riphath - He rips things in half, has a hard time with “f” sounds
  • Gether - Constantly steals the hero’s love interest
  • Peleg - The original pirate
  • Jetur - Michael Bay, this is your next Transformers minion of Megatron
  • Shammah - The evil alter-ego of the Sham-WOW guy
  • Bilhan - Literally rhymes with villain
  • Husham - Stern old librarian
  • Matred - Very hateful mother
  • Hur - A disgruntled androgynous man (No joke: “19…Caleb married Ephrath, who bore him Hur”)
  • Kenan - Son of Adam. Sadly, there is no mention of a brother or even a friend named Kel
  • Cush - NORML’s favorite Biblical character
  • Put - Invented golf
  • Sheba and Dedan - Sons of Raamah (founder of Dodge), together they pioneered passenger automobiles
  • Jebusites - Way ahead of their time, but not the best spellers
  • Dikla - When his descendants moved to the US, there was a mix up at Ellis Island, thus starting the proud Ditka line
  • Beor - When drunk, he was very depressed
  • Oholibamah - Huge Obama fan, way before it was cool
  • Er - the original stutterer (Apparently he was also evil, so God killed him. There is no given explanation)
  • Heman - This is seriously in there, though Grayskull is not
  • Salmon - No relation to the fish
  • Alemeth - A terrible combination that will lead to great stories
As you might have noticed, the second half of the list was less malicious and more funny. Names get boring after a while. Also, I’d like to point out a ridiculous set up from the author. This is literally an entire verse: “51 And Hadad died.” Moral of that verse: Hadad died. To summarize: Hadad was.
1PM

Kings 2 Part 4: The Toddler King Cleans His Room

Some kings after Hezekiah came King Josiah, who started his reign at the wise old age of 8. Despite being thrown into ruling so young, he did a pretty solid job at it. A few years into his ruling, he decided to start rebuilding the house of the Lord since it was kind of in shambles (or blocks as he called them). So he sent for the temple’s accountant to count up all their cash and give it to the carpenters and masons and other contractors to go buy what they needed to fix the place up. He told them that no accounting was necessary since they were such honest men, and “this many” money should cover it. Apparently back in those days contractors were very different from now.

While cleaning the place out, one of the priests found the long lost Book of Laws from Moses. Josiah was really stoked about it, so he read it (Many scholars argue over the validity of this passage, or if it was actually the Illustrated Book of Laws) and had his priests go see a prophetess who gave them some bad news: God was pissed. He declared that He would destroy the land and its people soon. But because Josiah had wept for Him and wanted to repent, He would make sure that Josiah wouldn’t be alive to see the destruction. How nice of Him, right?

Josiah continued Hezekiah’s campaign of stamping out all other religions and deities in the area. He defiles every bit of sacred ground to Baal and Molech and all sorts of religions, destroyed temples and altars, the works. Once he was done, he had his people celebrate the Passover again, for the first time since the Judges Experiment. God was really happy about this, but He was still an entity of His word, and would still see the Israelites real messed up. The Pharaoh of Egypt killed Josiah in a meeting (There wasn’t really a reason, pharaohs were just really mean). Not long after, the Babylonians came knocking and took all of Israel by storm, enslaving the Israelites and sending them to Babylon, exactly as God said He would have happen. Like that, the Israelites were yet again exiled and enslaved. Only the Israelites were very surprised by this.

May212012

Kings 2 Part 3: Grumpy Elisha and Happy Little Angels

Jehu may have decimated the two (now former) kings and their families, but he wasn’t done yet. He was really sick of all this Baal business. He came up with a great plan. He called for all Baal prophets and worshipers to come to him for a huge sacrifice to Baal. Anyone who didn’t come would be put to death, he said. So all the Baalers came and assembled at the nearby temple to Baal. Once gathered, he had his armies go in and kill every one of them. When that was done, they brought out all the idols and paraphernalia and burned it all. But destroying that pesky religion wasn’t enough for Jehu. So he declared that the former temple be a public bathroom for all eternity. It was a pretty crappy time for anyone who didn’t worship God.

Some time later, Elisha got really sick and began to die. The king of the time came to him on his deathbed to weep. Elisha had him open a window and shoot an arrow in the direction of the Syrians, who were threatening their land. The arrow showed that they would go out and fight them to end it. He then had the king strike the ground with arrows. So the king shoved three arrows into the ground, thinking three should fulfill such a weird request. He underestimated how cranky prophets get while dying. Elisha got pissed, saying that he should only defeat the Syrians three times now, but had he done it five or six times he would have killed them all and be done with it. The king was perplexed, but Elisha wouldn’t hear any of his protests about vague instructions, and sure enough the Syrians were defeated only three times.

A few more kings later, the Assyrians (Different from the Syrians and not known for clever naming) took over Northern Israel and sent the Israelites there packing, and God’s presence left them, which would have been really bad had they remembered how helpful that guy can be. Down south, the people realized that they should probably patch things up with the Big Guy. King Hezekiah starts to destroy all other signs of worship to anything other than God. There wasn’t much celebrating though. Soon after, the Assyrians came and conquered a bunch more land. The current main prophet, Isaiah, has God freak out the king of Assyria by making him think his kingdom is being attacked by another army elsewhere. When the Assyrians were coming back, God sent an angel into the Assyrian camp. The king woke up to find his huge army slaughtered. Angels aren’t always as cute and innocent as they seem in paintings. The king went to Nineveh, where his sons killed him while he worshiped his god. All of this cheered up King Hezekiah, who dodged a major bullet on this one.

7PM

Kings 2 Part 2: Decorative Head Baskets

Elisha was very tired of all the shenanigans going on in the Promised Land so he decided to end it. Elisha wasn’t one to be messed with. One time he was walking toward Bethel when some local boys started making fun of him as he walked, shouting for him to go away and calling him “baldhead”. They weren’t the most clever of boys. As he passed them by, Elisha stopped, turned around, and cursed the boys. Unlike a lot of curses that were all the rage at the time, this one was a quick one. Out of nowhere, two bears pop out and rip the boys to pieces. Moral of this bit of scripture: Never make fun of a stranger’s hair or lack thereof. He may have trained bears. 
After the mauling, Elisha met up with a powerful commander, Jehu, and secretly hatched a plan for him to lead a rebellion against the current kings of Israel and Judah by making him king of both. Those two kings had some really bad timing, because they happened to be visiting each other. Jehu rode in and King Joram and King Ahaziah rode out to meet him, asking if he wanted peace. Jehu responded simply by saying no and then made fun of Joram’s mother, Jezebel. To be fair, Jezebel really was a sorceress and a bit of a whore, but the fat comments were unwarranted. Jehu then drew his bow and shot both of them, and their armies quickly turned to Jehu’s side. But there was one last bit of business to take care of: That jezebel Jezebel. She saw Jehu coming and leaned out of a tower to try to seduce him, over-applied make up and all. Jehu just looked around and shouted “Who likes me better than her?” Unfortunately for Jezzy, there were a few eunuchs in her room who were not fans of her or her fashion style, so they tossed her out the window. This is when everyone learned something about horses: They are germaphobic and vengeful. So when Jezebel’s blood got on them after plummeting out of the tower, they went and trampled her body to make sure the deed was done. Then some dogs came and ate her remains, which they had learned from some cousins of theirs was fashionable, and the eunuchs approved.

Jehu was a really thorough guy, and it’s a good thing he was. He wanted to make sure no one could come and try to claim his throne from him. The trouble was Ahab was kind of a hound dog. He was randy so much that he ended up with 70 sons. So Jehu sent out some letters to get people in the neighboring cities to kill them all for him (personally going out and hunting 70 guys would take way too long). Everyone complied and sent him baskets of heads, ending Ahab’s family line and boosting the suffering basket weaver market.

January132012

Kings 1 Part 5/Kings 2 Part 1: Bloodhounds and Sudden Flaming Carts

Author’s Note: Kings 1 and 2 are really parts of one story, it’s just really long so someone broke it up into two acts. They did a pretty crappy job as far as I’m concerned when it comes to a good narrative, so I will ignore their break in this section. That is why this has a really long title and one section has two books on it. If you have a problem with this, then please leave me alone, you Kings elitist. Thank you.

While hanging out in the desert, Elijah got pretty pissed. Despite his hard and slightly crazy work and unwavering faith in God, no one is listening to him. God tells him to be patient for soon he’ll reveal himself to Elijah. Apparently God talking to him isn’t proof enough, so Elijah waits. Then the Earth goes freaking crazy. All in his little patch of sand, earthquakes, fires, and a crazy storm erupt, but all of this calamity is not credited to God (though I bet he was still impressed). But during the madness, Elijah hears a soft whisper, which he does recognize as God. What God says is unknown, but it must have been quite the pep talk because Elijah jumps up and runs back into town. There, he finds Elisha and decides to train Elisha to be the next prophet.

Meanwhile, Ahab and Jezebel grow envious of some guy’s vineyard. They decide to have a little fun to get it so they begin spreading lies and telling stories of this innocent Joe’s (his name was actually Naboth) evil doings. Keep in mind that the Israelites were pretty dimwhitted at the time, so they took the stories hook, line, and sinker, and decide to stone the man to death, and he died thoroughly confused. Elijah witnessed this go down and knew that Ahab and Jezebel were behind the mess. He tells them that they will soon die and that dogs will lick their blood. And sure enough, that’s what happened. Not long after the vineyard incident, Ahab made a pact with the king of Judah, and in a rare display of cooperation, the two kingdoms went out to kill them some Arameans who were too close to their borders for comfort. In the battle, Ahab gets slashed up and bleeds out on the ground, where some local dogs got their fill of his blood (Why they went for it, no one knows, but the most common theory is that it was better than their own feces).
Then something weird happened. Elijah went to heaven. That doesn’t mean he died though. One day, Elijah and Elisha were bopping around or something and the next thing Elisha knows, there’s a flaming chariot and Elijah is on a one way trip to the clouds and he was never seen again. Scientifically, we can be almost certain he wouldn’t have survived leaving the atmosphere. Elisha takes over Elijah’s strange duties of issuing vague warnings to mess with the evil king and started performing miracles to the peasants. One time, he got some woman with fertility issues pregnant, but not in the typical way, you perverts. The woman had a son, but he died shortly after. Elisha thought that that would make for a really bad miracle, so he brought the kid back to life, by lying on top of him (again, not in that way). He then saved the kingdom from the invading Arameans by making them all blind, which would have made for quite the hilarious battle. But Elisha was growing tired of running from Ahab and Jezebel. And a pissed off prophet is not a pretty sight.
10AM

Kings 1 Part 4: Prophetic Jedi and How to Start a Fire with Water

Things continued to go downhill in both kingdoms for a really long time. The northern kings totally forgot about God and continued being pure evil. The southern kings weren’t great either as a whole, but a few of them tried reviving God worship, but they never outlawed Baal worship. Whether or not Baal exists is unknown to everyone really. Obviously the Bible says he didn’t, but regardless he was a real thorn in the Big Guy’s side. Baal, who certainly never talked to anyone, could keep the Israelites attention when God couldn’t, even with lighting bushes on fire, parting seas, and giving away land grants. Things didn’t get any better when King Ahab and his wife Jezebel took over. They started really pushing the Baal envelope, running around the kingdom promoting his worship. 

Enter Elijah, who was one of the very few faithful men to God left. Being a prophet helped with that though. Elijah tells Ahab that God is about to throw a curse his way, but Jezebel was having none of it and didn’t like this Elijah fellow one bit. She was one of the few “strong women” around in those days, meaning she was a total bitch. She decides to not just stamp out Elijah but all of the prophets. She was unsuccessful with Elijah because he was kind of a hermit. He lived just outside of town and the locals thought he was kind of crazy. He was like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the Bible. When the drought hit, it hit hard. For three years, basically everyone was screwed, except for Elijah. He had a killer catering company: A flock of ravens. Seriously, ravens just brought the guy food when he needed it.
After the drought, Jezebel’s campaign of prophet genocide continues, but Elijah is unphased. In fact, he goes out and publicly challenges Ahab and just about everyone, demanding that they swear allegiance to either God or Baal. He didn’t like all the indecision going around at the time. The public as a whole just ignores him. So he then calls out the priests of the Baal cults and sets up a little challenge. He sets up two altars for animal sacrifice and says whoever can get their deity of choice to light the altars on fire wins. The Baalers chanted and danced and prayed and a lot of other humiliating things all to no avail. Elijah, knowing he’s got this in the bag, messes with them a bit and douses his altar in water three times. The Baal worshipers questioned his understanding of pyrotechnics quietly as he began to pray. They weren’t thrilled when God torched Elijah’s altar, most likely with a smirk on His face. Elijah then bounces, running to the desert, because this display, while fairly impressive, certainly didn’t win him any friends.
November222011

Kings Book 1 Part 3: What’s the Deal with Golden Calves and Jerusalem Fashion Week

Solomon’s son, Rehoboam was declared king by the tribe of Judah. Rehoboam was a brat, put quite frankly. Upon being crowned, his people gathered before him to ask him to be kinder than his father was. The little punk shrieked “No!” and told them he’d be enslaving and just generally oppressing them in the near future. Nobody was really keen on this idea, and they decided to revolt, just in case this wasn’t just a hissy fit. They grab Jereboam, the guy with the torn up cloak, and take him north to crown him as a king. This made him king of most of the tribes of Israel in the north and Rehoboam king of Judah in the south. God was definitely not a happy camper at this point. Jereboam wasn’t exactly the brightest historian, because he decided to make his kingdom a bit different from Jerusalem down south. He started erecting altars to golden calves and worshiping the crap out of them, ignoring the First Commandment (in exactly the same way as the foolish Israelites did in the shadow of Mount Sinai).
Not shockingly, one of Jereboam’s sons becomes very sick. The boys mother, upon seeing this, decides to go to a prophet (doctors did exist back then, this woman was just obviously not the most brilliant to seek help from a man who served a God they totally ignored), who tells her that God is none too happy with this whole situation and that He would be bringing down Jereboam’s entire family and that the Israelites would lose the Promised Land to other people because of their disobedience. But God also knows how torturous it can be to know something bad is going to happen to you, just not when. He keeps them all waiting a long time, a full generation in fact, until smiting the rabble rousers. And smite them He did.
Now Rehoboam was not about to be outdone by this new king in the north. He begins building altars and temples to other gods too, seemingly at random. He must have made a few to the Greek god Dionysus because prostitution was even allowed in some of these new places of “worship”. After Rehoboam dies, there’s a fairly long list of kings that are very briefly mentioned. Really the book just lists them off with a feat or two, and most of the kings in both north and south were pretty rotten, except for a few southern kings who try to rekindle worship of God, but the Israelites were a fickle people and monotheism was SO a few hundred years ago. But fashion goes round in circles, and that would be proven again very soon.

November192011

Kings Book 1 Part 2: Pimp My Temple, Then Foreclose It

After exhausting meetings about infant mutilation close calls, King Solomon decided it was time to treat himself. He pooled his kingdom’s cash and built himself a tricked out temple to God and a swank palace for himself in Jerusalem. He hired a ton of guys and imported the finest materials from around the area (there won’t be any jokes about the deals he got on the supplies given his heritage). Just shy of 500 years after the Exodus of the Israelites from Egypt, Solomon’s temple and palace were completed, and they were sick. Gold sculptures of angels and columns, paintings, carpets, a jacuzzi, the works. Many believe that all royal chariots had spinners, but there is little proof of that. And what display of architectural opulence is complete without an equally sick party to dedicate it with? There was a huge celebration, but shindigs were way different back then.
Herds upon herds of animals were sacrificed in the temple in tribute to the Almighty. The clean up crews were stoked about the ridiculous contract they were getting, but the local goats were none too happy (albeit there were not any complaints heard from them after the fact). Solomon ended the festivities by bringing the Ark of the Covenant in to its new home. Solomon asked God for His blessing on the whole thing. God gave His typical answer: It’s all well and good until you crazy Hebrews start breaking the rules, and if (He should have really just said “when” at this point) they do, he’ll destroy everything and everyone. 
Things go quite well for Solomon for a while, ruling and being smart and being loved by his people. They say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and many others say that personality traits are passed on genetically. Either way, Solomon was very much like his dad: He couldn’t get enough of the ladies. He was already married to the Egyptian princess, but that wasn’t enough. He was still a proper guy, so he marries all of the local chicks he gets with and starts quite the collection of wives (setting up a long and rather stressful tradition that certain religious citizens of Utah would one day carry on). To keep his wives happy and not at all homicidal, he erects altars and things for their local gods, which of course breaks a Commandment and really pisses off God. He tells Solomon that it’s over and that He’s going to be taking 11 of the 12 tribes of Israel in the break up. Solomon would only be left with his father’s tribe, Judah. Now there was this guy, Jereboam, who was one of King Solomon’s go to guys, who was minding his own business. A prophet, hearing of God’s unhappiness and breaking up of Israel, comes to Jereboam with a tattered cloak. It just so happened that this cloak was broken into twelve pieces. God loved using cloaks as metaphors. The prophet hands Jereboam ten of the twelve pieces of cloak and tells him he’s the king of those ten tribes. Jereboam joins the club of strangely crowned kings, but accepts the responsibility. Whether or not he gained public approval by telling his people that torn up cloth is his divine right is unfortunately omitted.

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